Vital Attraction
The morning sun hit the Orangeside quad with a warmth that felt deceptive, given the social minefield Chase Wright was currently navigating. He was walking to class with Christina when they both ground to a halt. Across the grass, Amelia Winters was leaning into Drake Miller—the resident hacky-sack enthusiast—with a look that could only be described as flirtatious.
“Missed you at lunch today,” Christina said, her eyes fixed on the pair. “Did you slip out for a quickie with Professor Hot Stuff?”
“Her name is Scarlett, and how did you know?” Chase asked, adjusting his bag.
“There’s a gold star on your fly.”
Chase looked down, eyes widening. “Ah! Heh. You weren’t kidding. You know, it’s nice to have a girlfriend with a sense of humor and one who recognizes good work.”
His gaze drifted back to Amelia and Drake. Drake was strumming an acoustic guitar, his shirt absent as usual.
“See, that’s G,” Drake was saying to Amelia. “That’s the most important chord. In my mind, it stands for God.”
“Why is Amelia talking to Micro-Nipples?” Chase muttered.
“Drake? Whatever,” Christina said, though her jaw was tight.
“But not like a Bible God,” Drake continued, “because I think that God is in everything.”
“You’re complicated,” Amelia chirped, looking genuinely enthralled.
“# Amelia… Amelia, where you going today? #” Drake sang, following her as she stepped toward the path.
“Computer class,” she replied.
“# Computer… #”
Chase shook his head in disgust. “You know what I don’t get? He never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes. Why hasn’t he died from lack of service?”
In the study room, the conversation was shifting from romance to cinema. Elvis was leaning over the table, his eyes bright with the prospect of a shared experience.
“You watching another movie in your dorm tonight?” Tyrone asked.
” Kickpuncher,” Elvis replied. “Starring Don ‘The Demon’ Donaldson as a cyborg cop whose punches have the power of kicks.”
“That sounds awful,” Tyrone said, though he couldn’t hide a smile. “I’ll bring the popcorn.”
“Cool,” Elvis nodded as he and Tyrone shared a secret handshake.
“You watch bad movies on purpose?” Sharon asked, looking confused.
“Yeah, we make fun of them.” Elvis answered.
Sharon chuckled, but Wilson scoffed. “Sharon, don’t embarrass yourself. I’m sure they don’t want to invite the housewife.”
“Actually,” Elvis said, “if she doesn’t mind reinforcing the stereotype, I bet Sharon would have fun talking smack in a movie. Care to join us?”
“Usually when a movie’s bad, I stop watching, but this sounds college-y,” Sharon said.
“What time do you want us there?” WIlson interrupted.
“Wilson, you don’t wanna watch a cyborg movie in Elvis’s dorm,” Tyrone interjected. “You wanna lie in your twin bed and think about your lottery winnings and a way to take it with you after you die.”
“What? You think I’m too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show?” Wilson demanded. “Come on, I’m younger than the three of you put together.”
Outside the room, Christina found Amelia waiting by the lockers. There was a nervous energy about the younger girl.
“Can I ask you something?” Amelia started. “About Drake?”
“Oh, yes,” Christina sighed. “I still don’t know if that’s his first or last name.”
“He’s sweet, actually,” Amelia said, her fingers twisting a strand of hair. “I mean, you must have thought so.”
Christina answered, “He has a sincerity I found attractive in a simpler time.”
“Would you mind?” Amelia asked tentatively. “I mean, we haven’t… anything. But…”
“Would it bug you?” Amelia stammered out, “if I go out with Drake?”
Christina asked. “Well, what about you and Tyrone?”
“Tyrone?” Amelia’s shoulders slumped. “The other day after Computer Science, I thought he was trying to hold my hand, but he had just mistaken me for Elvis. He’ll never think of me that way.”
Christina looked at Amelia’s hopeful face and felt a pang of maternal guilt. “Well, Amelia, I would have to be a villain to tell you who to date. Which I am not.”
“Christina, thank you!” Amelia beamed, throwing her arms around her. “You’re the coolest girl I’ve ever met.”
“Damn right,” Christina said, trying to regain her edge. “Give me some fivesies.” She held up her hand, then wiggled her fingers. “Turning it into a snake.”
“Oh, cool.” Amelia stuttered out as she left.
Five minutes later, Christina was in the cafeteria, leaning over Chase’s table.
“Did you hear?” she whispered. “It’s ‘cute.’ Amelia and Drake.”
“Get to the cute part,” Chase said, casually annoyed.
“She’s into him. She asked for my blessing.”
“And you gave it?” Chase’s head snapped up.
“Yeah, I’m done with him,” Christina said.
In shock Chase said, “Look, this isn’t about you, you groovy hipster. It’s about Amelia. We’re like her Orangeside parents. You gotta say no to that stuff.”
“He’s not that bad,” CHristina argued.
“Yeah, not if you’re twenty-five and you’re fooling around with him,” Chase countered. “She’s nineteen. Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option. And it all starts with Drake. He’s a gateway douchebag.”
“People connect, things happen.” Christina pleaded, “Life finds a way, right?”
Sarcastically, Chase responded, “And that can be your toast and her shotgun wedding to Pirate-Guy.”
“Oh, yeah, turn to your left,” Chase murmured, commenting on Pirate-Guy in the distance. “Oh, now turn to your right. Yes, we can see your pirate hat and eye-patch, keep thinking you’re Jack Sparrow.”
Pirate-Guy, noticing that Chase and Christina were talking about him, mumbled to his group, pointing at Chase, “Argh, that land lubber be a douchbag.”
Elvis’s dorm room was a cramped sanctuary of cinema, currently occupied by Tyrone, Sharon, Wilson, and a surprisingly present Pablo S. Cabar.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Elvis said, cracking open a soda. “I invited Pablo S. Cabar. We’re Netflix friends.”
“Oh, that’s cool you’re hanging out, drinking beers with your students,” Tyrone said, though he wasn’t staying.
“Clearly none of my other plans fell through,” Cabar muttered, signalling with his decorative cane, the tuxedo and top hat he was wearing..
The movie started. Within minutes, the group found their rhythm.
“It is the year 2017 A.D.,” the narrator intoned. “And nuclear war has ravaged the planet.”
“I must have missed that,” Elvis quipped.
“The space between cities is a free-fire zone,” the movie continued, “ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.”
“Sounds like a democrat run city,” Tyrone chimed in.
“Tyrone, you’re crazy, man!” Cabar laughed, slapping his knee.
“They just come to me!” Tyrone replied.
The room was filled with genuine, rolling laughter—until Wilson spoke.
“Freeze, police!” a character shouted on screen.
“Freeze police?” Wilson repeated. “Are they in a musical called COP-era?”
The silence that followed was agonizing. Everyone stared at the screen, refusing to acknowledge the joke.
They continued watching the film, each making their quips about the context, with WIlson’s awkward ‘jokes’ popping in from time to time. The film came to it’s conclusion.
“Kickpuncher,” a character on screen said. “Is there anything we can give you?”
“Yeah, two hours of my life back!” Cabar shouted.
The room exploded again. Wilson slumped in his chair. “Clearly we’re all a bunch of funny people,” he muttered. “When are we doing this again?”
Sharon, Tyrone and Cabar exchanged a look, but Elvis, missing WIlsons poor performance and social reading of the others said, “Yeah, tomorrow night we are watching Kickpunch 2: Kick Harder.”
Out on the quad, the “Orangeside Parents” were watching Amelia and Drake from afar. Drake was currently teaching Amelia how to “surf” on dry land, holding her waist as she balanced her bare feet on a curb.
“# Amelia’s gonna ride… Amelia’s gonna ride the wave… #”
“He’s got her in some kind of hippie collar,” Chase groaned. “I can hear her armpit hair growing from here. We’ve got to do something.”
“Okay” Christian responded with a slight chuckle, “what do you want to do?”
“We need to hatch a scheme,” Chase suggested.
Christina counted, “Hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.”
“Let’s not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse,” Chase said. “This problem won’t respond to tap dancing and hallucinations about spending time in New York.”
“If you’re going to get all ‘holier than thou’ on me, I think we’re done.
WIthout warning, Pirate-Guy saddled beside Chase, “Hey Wright, point yer peepers at that there Amelia, the lass went to the top of my treasure list.”
Christina looked in shock as Pirate-Guy walked away adding Amelia to his ‘treasure list’. “Okay, we NEED to hatch a scheme.”
“Thank you,” Chase uttered.
Chase and Christina stood just outside the study room, observing Tyrone.
“In Amelia’s world, long before Drake, she only had eyes for Tyrone.” Chase whispered.
Christina whispered back, “So, if Tyrone becomes a real option, Amelia would drop Drake like a bad habit.”
“A little note on manipulation. You don’t tell them what you want them to do, no, you help them realize that what you want is what they want to. That way it can’t be traced back to you.”
“Hmm, got it.” Christina said.
Chase and Christina entered the room. They saddled on either side of Tyrone.
“Ohh, chemistry, sexy.” Christina said breathy. “You know what else is sexy? Amelia.”
“I know Chemistry is sexy, but Amelia, I just don’t see it.”
Christina, almost insulted, “You really don’t think Amelia’s sexy?”
“Maybe it’s because back in high school, before she dropped out, went to rehab, acne, and braces. Oh, and she had a breakdown at a party and called everyone a robot before diving through a window.”
“Tyrone, I want you to clear your head,” Chase said.
“Done,” Tyrone replied instantly.
“I’m going to describe to you a complete stranger who happens to be in our study group,”
Chase stood Tyrone up and started whispering his questionably appropriate description of Amelia and possibilities. “Amelia? No kidding?” Tyrone’s eyes widened as they described a version of Amelia he hadn’t considered—a Jewish “hottie” who was helplessly in love with him.
Tyrone stammered out nervously. “Amelia Winters.”
Tyrone sat back down, “I can’t believe I didn’t see that. I guess she deserves another shot.” Tyrone thought for a moment, “Oh wait, I lost my chance. I heard she’s with Drake now.”
“She’s only with Drake to make you jealous,” Christina whispered.
“What?” Tyrone and Chase gasped.
“She’s helplessly in love with you,” Christina added. “She’s only going out with Drake to make you jealous…right Chase.”
“Sure,” Chase confirmed through gritting teeth.
“But you didn’t hear it from us.” Christina whispered in Tyrone’s ear,
Chase and Christina left the study room, feeling a possible victory at hand.
Tyrone whispered, looking down. “I have the weirdest boner.”
While Christina and Chase were manipulating Tyrone and Amelia’s relationships, Wilson was busy in the theater department, surrounded by the Orangeside sketch comedy troupe. He was treating the session like a high-stakes writers’ room.
“All right, guys,” Wilson said, leaning over a legal pad. “You hear that pause after the character says, ‘And a good day’? What do you got for me?”
“A good day for a nutritious breakfast?” one student offered.
“I don’t get it,” Wilson snapped.
“A good day for a terrible movie?” another tried.
Wilson groaned. “Come on, guys! On movie night, I need to blow these punks out of the water. I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.”
The students exchanged glances. “Wouldn’t you rather just watch a movie with your friends and have a good time?”
“What are you, my third wife’s therapist?” Wilson retorted.
“What if he said, ‘It’s a good day for,’ and you said, ‘For being gay’?” a student suggested jokingly.
Wilson’s eyes lit up. “You are a genius!“
“He likes gay jokes!” one of the students whispered.
“What?!” WIlson asked.
“We write great jokes.” The student covered.
With an unwavering bravado WIlson replied, “Don’t suck yourselves off too hard kids.”
Chase and Christina’s plan went into motion faster than expected. Tyrone found Amelia in the student lounge while she was waiting for Drake.
“Hey, Amelia, it’s me, Tyrone,” he said, puffing out his chest.
Concerned Amelia said, “Oh, I don’t know where Elvis is, but I can give him a call if you want?”
Tyrone grimaced, “Nah, I’m not looking for my other half, “ He suavely said, “I’m looking for you, girl. Let that sink in for a second.”
Tyrone sat down, beside her putting his arm around her. “Tyrone, you’re being weird,” Amelia said, moving away.
Drake walked in, carrying two ice cream cones. “Sorry it took me so long. They made me find a T-shirt.”
“Drake, you remember Tyrone,” Amelia said, trying to diffuse the tension.
“Hi, bro,” Drake said.
“I’m not your bro, bro,” Tyrone snapped.
Drake looked at Amelia, then back at Tyrone.
“Actually,” Drake corrected. “Everyone in the entire omniverse is my bro, cuz you know dude everything is connected.”
Tyrone responded, “Yeah, well, dude ,some things are more connected than others. Like Chocolate and Peanuts, grasshoppers and pee in my pants, or…me and Amelia.”
“WHAT, WAIT!” Amelia let out as she stood up. “Tyrone, WHAT?”
“Tell him. Tell him that you’ve been in love with me since high school.”
Drake’s face dropped. “Is that true, Garden Flower?”
“No! I mean…” Amelia stammered, “I did have feelings for him, but it’s over, I swear!”
“You swear? Like Christina swore she didn’t like Chase, then gave him a copy of my poem just to laugh at me with that cookey Christian lady?” Drake’s eyes welled with tears. “Your study group is evil! And you don’t deserve ice cream!”
Drake then took the ice cream cone meant for Amelia, and tossed it into the air behind him. It hit Pirate-Guy in the face, knocking him over, into a trashcan, spilling its contents everywhere.
He turned and ran, his bare feet slapping against the tile, leaping over a dazed and confused Pirate-Guy.
“Well, he’s immature,” Tyrone slickly said to Amelia. “Now where were we?”
Amelia slapped Tyrone on the chest “Dude, I like him. Why would you do that?” Amelia screamed at Tyrone.
Come on Tyrone said, “Everybody knows you want a cut of the T-bone steak.”
“Chase and Christina told me how you feel!” Tyrone continued plainly.
The realization hit Amelia like a freight train. She didn’t stay to argue with Tyrone. She headed straight for the study room.
Chase and Christina were sitting there, looking smug. “To Amelia’s inevitable breakup,” Chase said, raising a soda can.
“And to her and Tyrone, we did the right thing. They belong together” Christina said triumphantly. “Besides, their babies are going to be so cute.”
Chase turned to her, with a mock insult, “Why would you say that?”
“Come on, you know that babies are extra cute when their parents are…” Christina started.
“..Both cute.” Chase finished.
“Hey, guys!” Amelia shouted, stomping into the room. “Thanks for getting involved in my love life! That was super cool and mature of you! And since you’re both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I’m being sarcastic!”
She stormed out, leaving them in the wake of her fury.
Right after her, Tyrone followed up, “Hey guys, thanks for taking weird awkward Amelia, and turning her into another cute girl I can never be with!”
Suddenly an old decrepit man entered the room, “Hey guys, thanks for eating all the sushi.”
Chase yelled out, “Pipe down, Jeffery, nobody knows what you’re talking about.”
The old man then shuffled out of the room, not believing Chase’s words.
Chase then leaned over to Christina, “I really DID eat all the sushi, it’s pretty fucked up how he knows.”
The second movie night in Elvis’s dorm began with Kickpuncher 2: Codename Punchkicker. The atmosphere was expectant.
“My punches were only as strong as my punches,” the cyborg on screen lamented. “And then things changed.”
“Changed?” Wilson barked, leaning forward. “Time to change the channel!”
The group blinked.
“This guy’s gonna be begging for change if he keeps making movies this bad,” Wilson continued, his voice rising. “They should change this movie to something good! This movie stinks, we better change its diaper! That’s a change we can believe in!”
Elvis paused the movie. “Okay, obviously something strange is happening here.”
“I’m making jokes during a movie,” Wilson said, looking defensive.
“Yeah, but you’re doing it with the speed and determination of the incomparable Robin Williams,” Tyrone noted.
“Maybe I’m just that much of a genius.” WIlson retorted.
“I think you came prepared.” Sharon surmized.
Cabar spoke from his beanbag chair, “Dude, even I know your lame, and I’m a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.”
Tyrone quickly corrected, “You’re not a professor.”
“Shut up man,” Cabar replied.
“Fine, you got me,” Wilson spat. “I did a little advanced work. Pathetic? NO. I’ll tell you what’s pathetic. You all sitting there making fun of other people’s work. You don’t feel good about yourself so you tear down everything around you. What’s the matter, mama Cabar didn’t breast feed.”
Guilt washed over Cabar’s face, “She said I always bit too hard.”
WIlson continued, “You all sicken me, and I want nothing to do with your negative actions.”
“Wilson, that came from the heart…the heart of a bullshit artist” Sharon said.
Elvis turned, “Yeah, this isn’t about us, this is a deflection because you can’t get a genuine laugh,” Elvis said.
“I know I’m funny!” Wilson shouted, standing up. He turned to leave, his dignity held high—until his foot caught on a beanbag chair. He went down hard, arms flailing, sending a bowl of popcorn flying into the air.
The room erupted in boisterous laughter.
Wilson looked at Cabar, Elvis, Tyrone and Sharon. All with a joyful grin on their faces at his fall. The feeling of victory washed over him. “Biggest laugh of the night.”
The next day, the study group gathered in a state of high tension. Amelia sat with her arms crossed, refusing to look at Chase or Christina.
“Amelia, we’re sorry,” Chase started. “We were worried about your well-being.”
Christina added, “I just feel like we’re a family here at Orangeside, and Chase and I are like your parents here.”
“You’re NOT my mom Christina, she’s too fat to wear boots that high.” Amelia said, “And what about respecting me as a woman and a friend?”
“You want to be treated as a woman and a friend?” Christina snapped, her patience fraying. “Try not dating your friend’s ex-boyfriend, find your own man!”
The room went cold. Amelia turned to Christina. “Wait. You said you didn’t care.”
“Fine! I cared!” Christina exploded. “I’m a girly girl! I don’t like it when boys are mean to me, and I don’t like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends! I’m not that cool, okay? I’m not Juno, homeslice!”
“So you were jealous?” Chase asked.
“Please,” Christina scoffed. “You can’t tell me you weren’t jealous that Drake had his hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.”
“What are you insinuating?” Amelia asked. “I took that kiss for the team!”
“WHAT!?!” Chase said shocked, then settled on, “Yeah, it was strategic and joyless.”
Amelia sharply responded, “WHAT!?!?”
Amelia and Chase then gave each other an oddly warm look.
“You got weirdly specific when you were describing Amelia’s body,” Tyrone noted.
“More specific than the stuff you told me about Christina?” Chase asked.
“WHAT?!?” Amelia and Christina let out.
Meekly, Sharon asked, “Does anyone get specific about me?”
“Check your email,” Wilson muttered.
“I marked you as spam.” Sharon replied
“Who the hell is Pam?” Wilson asked, looking confused.
“When you guys first came in,” Elvis observed, “we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we’re as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.”
“I agree with Elvis,” Sharon said. “This is getting creepy.”
Amelia added, “No more creepy than when Chase wears tight jeans and you say, ‘I’d like to slap those buns on the grill.’”
“WHAT?!?” Chase and Wilson said in unison.
“First, I don’t talk like that!” Sharon protested. “Second of all, where I’m from, it’s perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends’ backsides.” She continued, “You don’t see me say anything about Elvis and Tyrone’s weird little relationship.”
Chase and Elivs reached out to each other and in unison said, “She’s just jealous.”
Chase rubbed his temples. “Maybe we’re not a family. Maybe it’s more complicated. Because unlike a real family, there’s nothing to stop any one of us from looking at any of the others as a sexual prospect.”
The table went silent as everyone took a moment to look around at each other, the gears of possibility visibly turning in their heads. Amelia and Chase’s eyes eventually met and a warm feeling came up through both of them.
Uncomfortable with this feeling Amelia let out, “Why are we even talking about this.”
Chase responded, “It’s because you started having sex with Christina’s ex-boyfriend.”
“WHAT?” Amelia said shocked, “We haven’t even kissed.”
Wilson added, “That doesn’t mean you haven’t had sex.”
“Ugh, everyone stop it,” Amelia said. “I genuinely like Drake and I think he liked me.”
Just then, the sound of an acoustic guitar drifted into the room. The group followed the music outside the building. Drake was standing there, shirt and shoes missing, looking directly at the entryway.
“Amelia.” Drake said.
Amelia looked surprised, “Drake.”
“Christina.” Drake said, seeing her behind Amelia. “Old Lazy Bones,” he continued seeing Wilson.
“East shit fucker,” WIlson replied.
“Did you get my messages?” Amelia asked.
Defeated, Drake said, “No, I through my phone into a trash compactor. I thought that if I couldn’t be with her, who was I going to call, then I thought about it…my sister…my therapist…and…you”
Amelia look up with cautious optimism.
“Anyway, I did some soul searching. This is something I really have to say.” Drake said.
“# I see you when you smile / And I want to sing a song / But then I write the words / And they always come out wrong… #”
The song was simple, even a bit silly, but as he sang about “Eskimos” and liking Amelia’s nose, the group’s cynicism began to melt.
“His songs are dumber than he is,” WIlson bellowed.
“Yeah,” Chase admitted. “But they’re honest.”
Amelia ran out to him, throwing her arms around his neck. After a moment, she walked back to the group. “Drake wants to show me a cloud that looks like a goose. If that’s okay?”
“Amelia, it’s more than okay,” Christina said, sharing a look with Chase. “Please date Drake.”
“Or anyone else outside this creepy circle.” Chase added.
“I wouldn’t hang out with you guys if you were creepy. Trust me,” Amelia smiled. “I have good taste.”
As she walked away, Wilson leaned back. “So, just to be clear… I don’t have a shot with any of you?”
“Ugh!” the group groaned in unison.